Michael J. "Crocodile" Dundee: Well, you see, Aborigines don't own the land.They belong to it. It's like their mother. See those rocks? Been standing there for 600 million years. Still be there when you and I are gone. So arguing over who owns them is like two fleas arguing over who owns the dog they live on.
Adam: What are your qualifications?
Beetlejuice: Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
Mike Lane: I don't fuck with vegetables.
Jack Byrnes: Are you still physically attracted to my daughter, Greg?
Greg Focker: To Pam? Are you kidding? Yes. Jack, there's never been a problem with that.
Jack Byrnes: [sternly] Even after her body's endured the hellish ordeal of birthing twins?
Greg Focker: Yes. Even after that. It's still… It's all good. It's all good under the hood.
Jack Byrnes: That's disgusting.
Andre: When I started this, I thought I'd, um, I thought I'd hate it. But now, if like the EP blew up tomorrow, I'd probably still do this on the side. Do you see how many girls I meet every day?
Ken: Yes, I saw.
Andre: For free, I don't gotta pay, all I gotta do is sing. And you think about that and these girls have to deal with men in their lives who every day, they don't listen to them. They don't ask them what they want. All we got to do is ask them what they want and when they tell you, it's a beautiful thing, man. We're like healers or something.
Ken: Yes, man!
[the characters can ask a revived corpse five questions before it dies again]
Edgin: Were you killed in battle?
'Yes' Corpse: Yes.
Edgin: Great!
[to Simon]
Edgin: Four more questions, right?
'Yes' Corpse: Yes.
Edgin: No, no, no, that wasn't for you.
[to Simon]
Edgin: Did that count as a question?
'Yes' Corpse: Yes.
Edgin: Dammit! Only answer when I talk to you, okay?
'Yes' Corpse: Yes.
Simon: Why did you say "okay?" at the end of that?
'Yes' Corpse: I didn't.
[lies back in its coffin, dead]
Edgin: Fantastic. Where's the shovel?
Sara: What should we toast to?
Hitch: Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.
Aunt Myrt: I didn't even know they were dating.
Angie Reynolds: Oh. It's an, it's a new thing. I don't think its serious Aunt Myrt.
Aunt Myrt: Hm. Funny. I always thought you and Ben would wind up together.
Angie Reynolds: You too. Maybe I need to get us t-shirts that say just friends.
Aunt Myrt: [chuckles] The very best relationships start out that way. My late husband was my best friend before we were married.
Patty Fenn: [final line] So what the hell kind of show are we going to do next week?
Moe Fitch: Well, well, well. If it isn't the Ukrainian sidekick.
Alfonz: I don't think of myself that way. I am the lead character in my own story.