[from trailer]
Schmidt: Yo Sleepy, whassup, homie? Everyone saying at the barrio that "Sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit!" My partner here wanna see that product.
Scarface: [pointing at Jenko] Why ain't he talking?
Jenko: [after a moment of silence; in a high-pitched voice] My name Jeff!
[Watching the monk practice karate]
Doc: Apparently he killed 23 men with his bare hands.
Danny Meehan: Maybe I should take up karate.
Doc: That was before he took up karate.
Howard: Boys, I don't want to speak ill of your mother on Christmas, but she's nothing but a common street whore.
Mike Chadway: [sarcasticly] Oh, I know, I've got a great idea! Why don't we pass the time with you telling me how much *fun* you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?
Abby Richter: I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass!
Mike Chadway: What?
Abby Richter: Oh, oh yeah, that's got your interest. Well if you think we're going to finish what we started in L. A. you are out of your mind. You lost your chance.
Mike Chadway: Oh, c'mon, I never had a chance with you.
Abby Richter: You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgement when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't. Clearly.
Mike Chadway: Oh, yeah? Well what does that mean?
Abby Richter: [mockingly] I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jello. I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love. It's scary.
Mike Chadway: Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying. Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.
Abby Richter: I am not a psycho!
Mike Chadway: I just told you that I loved you and all you heard was "psycho." Well you're the definition of neurotic.
Abby Richter: No! The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and, and physical ailments without any objective evidence of…
Mike Chadway: Shut up! Yet again I just told you I'm in love with you and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.
Abby Richter: You're in love with me. Why?
Mike Chadway: Beats the shit out of me, but I am.
[she leans over and kisses him]
Joe Gavilan: Don't call me sir. I work for a living.
Nora Krank: You forgot the white chocolate!
Luther Krank: They didn't have any.
Nora Krank: Did you talk to Rex?
Luther Krank: Who's Rex?
Nora Krank: The butcher.
Luther Krank: …as odd as it sounds, I didn't think to ask the butcher where the chocolate was!
Julian: …but I wipe my own ass, I wipe my own ass!
Bella Flores: I guess it was unrealistic to think that anybody would show up when everybody has their own problems.
Scott Voss: You showed up.
Bella Flores: You shut up.
Polis: [Måns is arrested by the police after throwing out furniture] Well, how did this happen?
Måns: Ehm, what?
Polis: Well, there's furniture on the street, under your balcony…
Måns: I accidentally dropped them…
Polis: Really? How?
Måns: I don't know… I was going to… refurbish… a little and then i tripped… it was some little… edge that…
Polis: On the balcony?
Måns: Yes, exactly…
Polis: With a whole drawer, a TV and an aquarium?
Måns: Mm…
Candice Adams: How come everyone had a better time at my wedding than I did?
Sawyer Adams: Because you had a terrible date.