[from trailer]
Dave Harken: [Nick, Dale and Kurt are visiting Dave in prison] Hello Nick, guy who saved my life, guy who fucked my wife.

[from trailer]
Dave Harken: [Nick, Dale and Kurt are visiting Dave in prison] Hello Nick, guy who saved my life, guy who fucked my wife.
[Shazam and Freddy confront armed robbers in convenience store]
Shazam: Gentlemen, why use guns when we can handle this like real men?
[Shazam takes gun of out robber's hand]
Freddy Freeman: Billy, look out!
[the other robber shoots him, the bullet ricochets off him]
Freddy Freeman: Bullet immunity. You have bullet immunity!
Shazam: [shocked] I'm bulletproof.
[they both laugh before Shazam's expression suddenly turns serious]
Freddy Freeman: [filming on his phone] Today is December 8th, and this video proof of authenticity. Shoot him again.
Shazam: [hands back the robber's gun] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here. Go. Both of you! Come on. Go to town.
Freddy Freeman: Wait, wait, wait. We still don't know if the suit is bulletproof, or if you are. Shoot him in the face.
Shazam: Shoot me in the face. In the face?
[both robbers shoot Shazam in his face and the bullets ricochet off him]
Shazam: It kinda tickles.
[turning back to the robbers]
Shazam: You're dead.
[both robbers fly out the window in front of a couple]
Shazam: [walking out of store with junk food] Sorry about your window.
Freddy Freeman: Have a good night!
Shazam: But you're welcome for not getting robbed!
Detective Hagan: Do you want to explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? One block from the victim's house. Just moments after he got shot dead.
Nick Hendricks: I was drag-racing. I'm a drag-racer.
Detective Samson: You were drag-racing.
Nick Hendricks: [nods]
Detective Samson: In a Prius.
Nick Hendricks: I don't win a lot.
Jane Kano: I need you to exhibit some attention-seeking behavior.
Sabina Wilson: I have so many ideas.
Penny: My condition is 100% mental.
Thomas Westerburg: Hysterical blindness?
Penny: It's not that funny to me, Thomas.
Clark Griswold: There's Buckingham Palace, kids. That's where the Queen lives and works.
Audrey Griswold: Works? What does she do, Dad?
Clark Griswold: She queens… and vacuums.
Marie: Don't be curious. That's not a rule, but still, it annoys me. Believe me, life is much better when I'm not annoyed.
Claire Wellington: I asked myself, "Where would people never notice a town full of robots?"
[gasps]
Claire Wellington: Connecticut.
Brorsan: It burst!
Edward Cole: Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.
Thomas: I'll keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.