Emmett: Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?
Enrique Salvatore: Yes.
Emmett: Where?
Enrique Salvatore: A restaurant in Concord, where no one could recognize us.
Emmett: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
Enrique Salvatore: Three months.
Emmett: And your boyfriend's name is…
Enrique Salvatore: Chuck.
Emmett: Right.
[Everyone gasps/laughs]
Enrique Salvatore: Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.
Chuck: YOU BITCH!
Bob: It gets a whole lot more complicated when you have kids.
Charlotte: It's scary.
Bob: The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born.
Charlotte: Nobody ever tells you that.
Bob: Your life, as you know it… is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk… and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.
Charlotte: That's nice.
Ibrahim Dieng: To tell you the truth, decency has become a sin in this country. And that's why I'm going to become a wolf among wolves! I too will become a thief and a liar!
John Smith: [while driving, pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S] I never told you, but I was married once before.
Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]
John Smith: What's wrong with you?
Jane Smith: [slapping John's arms and legs] You're what's wrong with me John.
John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.
[pause]
Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
Wichita: When you love something, you shoot it in the face… So it doesn't become a flesh eating monster.
Ranger: [answers phone] Are you in danger?
Stephanie Plum: [handcuffed to her shower rod] Not exactly. Kind of.
Ranger: I'm busy.
Stephanie Plum: I'm naked.
Ranger: …I'll be right there.
GI Julie: [teaching Mark how to walk again] One foot in front of the other. You got it, Mark. You got…
Mark Hogancamp: [Mark stumbles and falls] It hurts like hell!
GI Julie: Relax, Mark, you got to embrace that pain. You've got love the pain. The pain is a rocket fuel.
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Some dickhead is standing in my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Oh, Captain Harris! Hey, I didn't see you there. You know, I don't think we've been introduced. My name is Nick…
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: I don't care who you are, buttwipe. Just get out of my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Scram, sleazeball!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Okay, fine.
[Leaves]
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe, huh? Never heard that before.
Lt. Proctor: That was great, Sir!
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor?
Lt. Proctor: Yes, Sir?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Now you're in my sun.
Dusty Mayron: So the King raised his mighty sword and rained steel down upon the Step King.
Brad Whitaker: But the Step King blocked it with his shield. And swung his cat o'nine tails into the King's smug face.
Dusty Mayron: Which the King easily brushed aside like the feather of a gull. And then the King did counter with a barrage of slashes and thrusts so fast and precise the Step King had no way to party.
Megan, Dylan: Yay!
Dusty Mayron: But he did. He did. He parried all of them. Easily. It was no big deal.
Megan, Dylan: Aww.
Brad Whitaker: Then he grabbed the King's sword right out of his hand and smashed it over his knee.
Megan, Dylan: Boo!
Dusty Mayron: That's when the King pulled out a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Brad Whitaker: Which is completely anachronistic. So if we're gonna be doing any time period, then the Step King just happened to be wearing Kevlar body armor.
Dusty Mayron: Concussion grenade!
Brad Whitaker: Hand grenade.
Dusty Mayron: Rocket launcher.
Brad Whitaker: Missile launcher.
Dusty Mayron: Air strike.
Brad Whitaker: Nuclear strike.
Dusty Mayron: Black hole.
Brad Whitaker: God.
Lieutenant Debbie Callahan: You had impressive moves for a cadet.
Cadet Nogata: Thank you. You see, it's a matter of the mind being mightier than the bosom.
Lieutenant Debbie Callahan: Interesting theory.