Dalton Russell: I'm no martyr. I did it for the money. But it's not worth much if you can't face yourself in the mirror. Respect is the ultimate currency. I was stealing from a man who traded his away for a few dollars. And then he tried to wash away his guilt. Drown it in a lifetime of good deeds and a sea of respectability. It almost worked, too. But inevitably, the further you run from your sins, the more exhausted you are when they catch up to you. And they do. Certain. It will not fail.
Graham: I'm here. I'm here for the parade. I'm here for the tree lighting. I'm here for you.
Aunt Myrt: I didn't even know they were dating.
Angie Reynolds: Oh. It's an, it's a new thing. I don't think its serious Aunt Myrt.
Aunt Myrt: Hm. Funny. I always thought you and Ben would wind up together.
Angie Reynolds: You too. Maybe I need to get us t-shirts that say just friends.
Aunt Myrt: [chuckles] The very best relationships start out that way. My late husband was my best friend before we were married.
Dylan Bailey: So, what's with all the cobwebs?
Paige Parker: [chuckles] It's Ukrainian folklore. There was once an old widow who lived with her children in this tiny shack. And they had no gifts or decorations. And on Christmas morning, they woke up to find their Christmas tree completely covered in cobwebs. But when sunlight entered the shack, all the cobwebs turned to gold.
Dylan Bailey: Oh. I love stories about the importance of material wealth.
Paige Parker: [chuckles] Well, I like it because it shows that anything is possible during the Christmas season. No matter who you are, where you come from, there is always a little hope for some Christmas magic. You never know what can be waiting for you in the morning.
Dick: [Rosie sees the doctor for the stuck condom in her vagina] Hi, I'm Dick.
Rosie Dunne: Of course, you are.
Becky: Tell me what you want, as fast as it comes to you.
Gilbert: Uhh…
Becky: Okay?
Gilbert: 'Kay.
Becky: Okay. What do you want?
[He's thinking about it]
Becky: Faster!
Gilbert: Okay. I want a new thing. House. I want a new house. And a family.
[He sighs heavily]
Gilbert: I want Momma to take aerobics classes. I want Ellen to grow up. I want a new brain for Arnie. I want…
Becky: What do you want for you? Just for you?
Gilbert: I want to be a good person.
Mike Mitchell: [sarcastically] You think you're so wise.
Brandon Mitchell: About time you recognized it. I am *brimming* with wisdom. I am up to my *eyeballs* in wisdom. Do you want to hear some more?
Mike Mitchell: No, I think I'm good, thank you.
Brandon Mitchell: Sometimes you look…
Mike Mitchell: All good!
Brandon Mitchell: Just saying.
Susan Young: Attention everyone. It is time to give out the prize for the best sweater. Our second-place winner this year is Alan.
[Everyone cheers]
Susan Young: You are the lucky winner of this lovely holiday scented candle.
Alan Mahone: Hey. Whoa whoa whoa. Wait a minute. I gave you this for Christmas last year.
Susan Young: Ooh. I was hoping my re-gifting would go unnoticed this year.
Alan Mahone: Yea. Well, I noticed.
Susan Young: Well… And now our grand prize is this cheese board that is from The Village of Trinkets and Treasures goes to… Hmmm. Me.
[Everyone laughs]
Susan Young: I mean, come on.
Alan Mahone: It's not fun if you win every year Susan.
Susan Young: Don't get your tinsel in a tangle.
Alan Mahone: Oh. What do you know? It's already personalized.
[Everyone chuckles]
Susan Young: Ooh. How did that get there?
Angela: Goodbye, George.
[half-turns away and then looks back]
Angela: Seems like we always spend the best part of our time just saying goodbye.
Ben Barber: [breaking up a fight] Hey! You're white! You're white! You don't fight.