John Smith: [while driving, pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S] I never told you, but I was married once before.
Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]
John Smith: What's wrong with you?
Jane Smith: [slapping John's arms and legs] You're what's wrong with me John.
John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.
[pause]
Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
Truman: [repeated line; frequently in the show] Good morning, oh and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
[from trailer]
Dave Harken: [Nick, Dale and Kurt are visiting Dave in prison] Hello Nick, guy who saved my life, guy who fucked my wife.
Detective Hagan: Do you want to explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? One block from the victim's house. Just moments after he got shot dead.
Nick Hendricks: I was drag-racing. I'm a drag-racer.
Detective Samson: You were drag-racing.
Nick Hendricks: [nods]
Detective Samson: In a Prius.
Nick Hendricks: I don't win a lot.
Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.
Pere Henri: I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, His *tolerance*… Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around… measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think… we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create… and who we include.
[Last Barman poem]
Brian: I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake / The sex on the beach / The schnapps made from peach / The velvet hammer / The Alabama slammer. / I make things with juice and froth / The pink squirrel / The three-toed sloth. / I make drinks so sweet and snazzy / The iced tea / The kamakazi / The orgasm / The death spasm / The Singapore sling / The dingaling. / America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got / But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot? / Bar is open.
Persson: You see, I got the tip and I…
Justitieministern: Fishing?
Persson: Beg pardon?
Justitieministern: Mr Persson's hobby is fishing, am I right?
Persson: Well, yeah…
Justitieministern: Then I suggest that Mr Persson will make a big fishing trip. Starting tomorrow morning.
Persson: For how long?
Justitieministern: Early retirement normally lasts for life!
Easter Island Head: HEY!
[pauses]
Easter Island Head: Dum-dum.
Larry: Yes?
Easter Island Head: You give me gum-gum!
Larry: I give you gum-gum?
Easter Island Head: You new Dum-dum. You give me gum-gum.
Larry: Gee, okay, you know what? I have no gum-gum. Sorry. And my name isn't Dum-dum. My name's Larry.
Easter Island Head: No, your name Dum-dum.
[some people are running away]
Easter Island Head: Oh, you in trouble, Dum-dum. You better run-run. From Attila the Hun-hun.
[Attila yells and chases Larry]
Easter Island Head: See you later, Dum-dum!
John Grogan: A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?