John Smith: [while driving, pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S] I never told you, but I was married once before.
Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]
John Smith: What's wrong with you?
Jane Smith: [slapping John's arms and legs] You're what's wrong with me John.
John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.
Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.
[pause]
Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?
John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
Bill Murray: [dying] Is that how you say hello where you come from?
Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?
Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.
Tallahassee: Bill?
Bill Murray: Yeah?
Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.
Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?
Bill Murray: No.
Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray: "Garfield," maybe.
Ranger: [answers phone] Are you in danger?
Stephanie Plum: [handcuffed to her shower rod] Not exactly. Kind of.
Ranger: I'm busy.
Stephanie Plum: I'm naked.
Ranger: …I'll be right there.
[from trailer]
Daniel Lugo: [to a little boy] Don't eyeball me! I've seen your mother driving up and down these streets looking at me! I'll be your stepfather in about a week!
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Some dickhead is standing in my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Oh, Captain Harris! Hey, I didn't see you there. You know, I don't think we've been introduced. My name is Nick…
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: I don't care who you are, buttwipe. Just get out of my sun!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Scram, sleazeball!
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Okay, fine.
[Leaves]
Sgt. Nick Lassard: Buttwipe, huh? Never heard that before.
Lt. Proctor: That was great, Sir!
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor?
Lt. Proctor: Yes, Sir?
Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Now you're in my sun.
Megan: I just shot a turkey and a man. Guess which one's dead.
Lieutenant Debbie Callahan: You had impressive moves for a cadet.
Cadet Nogata: Thank you. You see, it's a matter of the mind being mightier than the bosom.
Lieutenant Debbie Callahan: Interesting theory.
Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane: Goodyear?
Frank: No, the worst.
Lt. Mauser: [Mauser and Proctor are spying on Lassard greeting the new recruits in his office] So… these academy rats are going to save the precinct?
Proctor: Hey, personally, lieutenant, I hope they fall flat on their asses.
Lt. Mauser: That can be arranged, you know?
Proctor: What do you mean?
Lt. Mauser: Well, if they fail, I take over as commander of the precinct.
Lt. Mauser: So?
Lt. Mauser: So… we make sure they fail.
Proctor: Who?
Lt. Mauser: The new recruits.
Proctor: Why?
Lt. Mauser: If they fail, Lassard's out, I'm in. And I'm gonna need somebody to be the new watch commander. And you know who that's gonna be.
Proctor: [confused] Who?
Lt. Mauser: [annoyed] You, dickhead, you!
Proctor: Oh… oh… well, good idea.
Lt. Mauser: You're not playing with a full deck, are you?
Proctor: Oh, I don't play cards.
Henry: It's gonna be alright, Luce.
Lucy: [to Henry] Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.
Marlin: Sweetie, you're sorta dating him.
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Henry: Sorry I'm not better looking.