Gray Grantham: How'd you find me?
Darby Shaw: I called the paper and asked for your address.
Gray Grantham: And he told you?
Darby Shaw: I told them I was your sister Mary in from out of town and couldn't find you.
Gray Grantham: [looks surprised] How'd you know I had a sister Mary?
Darby Shaw: You're not the only one that does research.
Clay Vanstone: I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it.
Dylan Bailey: So, what's with all the cobwebs?
Paige Parker: [chuckles] It's Ukrainian folklore. There was once an old widow who lived with her children in this tiny shack. And they had no gifts or decorations. And on Christmas morning, they woke up to find their Christmas tree completely covered in cobwebs. But when sunlight entered the shack, all the cobwebs turned to gold.
Dylan Bailey: Oh. I love stories about the importance of material wealth.
Paige Parker: [chuckles] Well, I like it because it shows that anything is possible during the Christmas season. No matter who you are, where you come from, there is always a little hope for some Christmas magic. You never know what can be waiting for you in the morning.
Kate McCallister: [at the Plaza Hotel] What kind of hotel allows a child to check in alone?
Desk Clerk: The boy had a very convincing story.
Kate McCallister: What kind of idiots do you have working here?
Desk Clerk: The finest in New York.
Dick: [Rosie sees the doctor for the stuck condom in her vagina] Hi, I'm Dick.
Rosie Dunne: Of course, you are.
Check-Out Woman: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here alone? I don't think so.
Check-Out Woman: Where's your mom?
Kevin McCallister: My mom's in the car.
Check-Out Woman: Where's your father?
Kevin McCallister: He's at work.
Check-Out Woman: What about your brothers and your sisters?
Kevin McCallister: I'm an only child.
Check-Out Woman: Where do you live?
Kevin McCallister: Uh, I can't tell you that.
Check-Out Woman: Why not?
Kevin McCallister: Because you're a stranger.
Jessica's Dad: [walks in his bathroom covered in chocolate] Oh, my God. He shit everywhere.
[screaming]
Jessica's Dad: THERE'S SHIT EVERYWHERE! DAMNIT! THEY SHIT ON THE WINDOWS! OH MY GOD! MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SHIT! HE SHIT EVERYWHERE! LOOK WHAT HE DID HE SHIT ALL OVER THE WALL!
Arthur Bishop: Tell your principal it never pays to fuck with the dead.
Mr. Goodkat: Charlie Chaplin once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest in Monte Carlo and came in third; that's a story.
Lori: Doug, honey… you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweetheart? Sweetheart, be reasonable. After all, we're married!
[Lori goes for her gun, Quaid shoots her in the head, killing her]
Douglas Quaid: Consider that a divorce!