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Min låtsasfru

Min låtsasfru

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Devlin Adams: So, where's Danny?
Katherine: [pause] Devlin, Danny is at his wedding.
Devlin Adams: Come again?
Katherine: I was never married to him. All a big lie I made up.
Devlin Adams: Why?
Katherine: Because I couldn't stand the thought of you knowing the truth.
Devlin Adams: Really?
Katherine: So, yeah. I'm a single mother. I have two kids I love more than anything in the world. I drive a Honda, I still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I'm at it telling the truth, I name my kids' poop after you. And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant. That's it.
Devlin Adams: Really? I would never have guessed this. I mean, you two had a real connection.
Katherine: He's great, he's the greatest guy, and I might even be in love with him, but it really doesn't matter at this moment because he is getting married to another person, right now.
Devlin Adams: [pause] Ian and I are breaking up.
Katherine: What? What happened?
Devlin Adams: Well for starters, he's gay. I mean look at him
Ian Maxtone Jones: [with a group of sailors] That's a strong muscle, right there. I'm squeezin'.
Katherine: Devlin, I gotta tell you, last night, with the ass grab of the coconut, little bit of a red flag.
Devlin Adams: I've seen him do that with the soap.
Katherine: Oh! What about the iPod?
Devlin Adams: He didn't invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after he got hit by a foul ball.
Katherine: [laughs] Oh God! So what?
Devlin Adams: Well, this is different?
Katherine: Yeah, I mean, why didn't we try this truth telling thing before?
Devlin Adams: I don't know.
[They hug. Devlin sees Danny behind Katherine]
Danny: Aww, that's nice. It's nice to tell the truth. The truth is fun, isn't it? Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?
Devlin Adams: I'm gonna leave you two. Gotta go get a divorce.

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Desperado

Desperado

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Pick-up Guy: [sitting at the counter inside the Tarasco Bar] This reminds me of a joke. This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, *foosh*, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere *except* the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."

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Primal Fear

Primal Fear

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[last lines SPOILER]
[while in a holding cell in the back of the courthouse]
Roy: Mr. Vail?
Martin Vail: Yeah?
Roy: [stammering] Will you t-tell Miss Venable I'm sorry? Tell her I hope her neck is okay.
Martin Vail: Yeah… I will.
[begins walking away, then turns back]
Martin Vail: Wait… What did you just say? What? You told me just a few minutes ago that you didn't remember. You blacked out. You "lost time" yet again. So, how do you know about her neck?
Roy: [slow clapping sardonically; sneers] Well… good for you, Marty. I was going to let it go at that. You was looking so happy just now. I was thinking, hmmm God. But to tell you the truth, I'm glad you figured it out, because I have been dying to tell you. I just didn't know who you'd wanna hear it from, you know? Aaron or Roy… or Roy or Aaron. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. A sort of a client-attorney-privilege type of a secret, you know what I mean? It don't matter who you hear it from. It's the same story.
[stammering as Aaron]
Roy: [in a southern accent] I j-j-just… had to kill Linda, Mr. Vail.
[normal voice as Roy]
Roy: That cunt just got what she deserved. But… cutting up that son of a bitch Rushman? That was just a fucking work of art.
Martin Vail: You're good. You are really good.
Roy: Yeah. I did get caught, though, didn't I?
Martin Vail: So there never… there never was a Roy?
Roy: Jesus Christ, Marty. If that's what you think, I am disappointed in you, I don't mind telling you. There never was an Aaron… counselor! Come on, Marty! I thought you had it figured, there at the end. The way you put me on the stand like that? That was fucking brilliant, Marty! And that whole thing like "act-like-a-man"? Jesus, I knew exactly what you wanted from me. It was like we were dancing, Marty!
Martin Vail: Guard!
Roy: [as Vail walks away] Oh come on, don't be like that, Marty. We did it, man. We fucking did it! We're a great team, you and me. You think I could've done this without you? You're just feeling a little angry here, because you started to care about old Aaron, I can understand that, but… you know, love hurts, Marty. What can I say? Hey, I'm just kidding, bud! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings! What else was I supposed to do? Hey, you're gonna thank me down the road, because this is gonna toughen you right up, Martin Vail! You hear me? That's a promise!

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