Holland March: Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.
Jackson Healy: People got hurt.
Holland March: I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.
Holland March: Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.
Jackson Healy: People got hurt.
Holland March: I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.
Truman: [repeated line; frequently in the show] Good morning, oh and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!
Pere Henri: I'm not sure what the theme of my homily today ought to be. Do I want to speak of the miracle of Our Lord's divine transformation? Not really, no. I don't want to talk about His divinity. I'd rather talk about His humanity. I mean, you know, how He lived His life, here on Earth. His *kindness*, His *tolerance*… Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around… measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think… we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create… and who we include.
[Last Barman poem]
Brian: I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake / The sex on the beach / The schnapps made from peach / The velvet hammer / The Alabama slammer. / I make things with juice and froth / The pink squirrel / The three-toed sloth. / I make drinks so sweet and snazzy / The iced tea / The kamakazi / The orgasm / The death spasm / The Singapore sling / The dingaling. / America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got / But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot? / Bar is open.
John Grogan: A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?
Greg: Orson Fortune. That is a sexy name. It is. You must fancy him a bit.
Summer Quinn: [about CJ Parker] Why does she always look like she's running in slow-mo?
Ronnie Greenbaum: You see it too?
Summer Quinn: And she always looks wet, but not too wet.
Ronnie Greenbaum: Right? She's the reason I believe in God.
Wes Mantooth: With the things I've done in my life, oh, I know I'm going to burn in hell. So I sure as shit ain't afraid to burn here on earth.
Ron Burgundy: Oh, my goodness! That's the most badass thing I've ever heard!
Edward Cole: Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.
Thomas: I'll keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.
Ox: Knock, knock!
Sergeant Moses Hightower: Who's there?
Ox: Buu!
Sergeant Moses Hightower: Buu, who?
Ox: Quit crying! This will be over in a moment!
[Hightower lets go of Ox]
Sergeant Moses Hightower: Fighting is one thing, but bad jokes is where I draw the line!
[Hightower hits Ox and knocks him out]