Science is not good or bad, Victor. But it can be used both ways. That is why you must always be careful.
I got promoted to sergeant.
You promoted yourself?
Yeah, I feel like I deserved it.
What are your qualifications?
Ah. Well… I attended Juilliard… I’m a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I’ve seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT… NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU’RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY… NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I’m qualified?
Now I have another reason to hate Christmas.
What are you talking about?
The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.
Everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. Everything that goes into her mouth is a dick.
So the King raised his mighty sword and rained steel down upon the Step King.
But the Step King blocked it with his shield. And swung his cat o’nine tails into the King’s smug face.
Which the King easily brushed aside like the feather of a gull. And then the King did counter with a barrage of slashes and thrusts so fast and precise the Step King had no way to party.
But he did. He did. He parried all of them. Easily. It was no big deal.
Then he grabbed the King’s sword right out of his hand and smashed it over his knee.
That’s when the King pulled out a pump-action Mossberg shotgun!
Which is completely anachronistic. So if we’re gonna be doing any time period, then the Step King just happened to be wearing Kevlar body armor.
Why don’t they ever a make a movie about what happens after they kiss?
They do, it’s called porn.
It’s gonna be alright, Luce.
Don’t call me Luce. I barely know you.
Sweetie, you’re sorta dating him.
[Lucy looks at Henry]
Sorry I’m not better looking.