Lauren: You know, I'm curious. With so many possible reasons, which one's the one your wife left you for?
Jim: Cancer.
Lauren: [awkward pause] I'm sorry. I naturally just assumed you were divorced.
Jim: It's OK. I naturally assumed your husband shot himself, so we're even.
Avery: I'm glad we scheduled this during our lunch breaks so we could do this together!
David: Hey, you took a business call too.
Avery: David, we're choosing our wedding cake and you hardly even looked at them.
Karen: If you're from Africa, why are you white?
Gretchen: Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.
Howard: Boys, I don't want to speak ill of your mother on Christmas, but she's nothing but a common street whore.
Jack: [to Ruth and other guests dining at their table] Well, yes, ma'am, I do… I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you… to make each day count.
Molly Brown: Well said, Jack.
Candice Adams: How come everyone had a better time at my wedding than I did?
Sawyer Adams: Because you had a terrible date.
Elisabeth: I'm a socialist now.
Rolf: So am I.
Elisabeth: No you're not, you're a social democrat, there's a big difference
Irène: But charm is more valuable than beauty. You can resist beauty, but you can't resist charm.
Alice: But, you know, God, you make a decision about your life when you're 25 years old and then you fast-forward 15 years later and you think, God, was that really the life decision that's, like, a good life decision for the rest of your life? Then you're just, like, "I don't know."
Dora Angioli: You're so thin… no one trusts a skinny cook.