[as he’s taking off his diving suit to reveal his tuxedo]
Maybe one day I’ll wear this to a party I’m actually invited to.
Who are you? Who sent you?
Your old man did.
My dad. What did he say?
Well, I didn’t get to meet him personally. He kind of delegated your rescue. He had a big conference on the corn surplus.
You’re kidding me?
No. No, apparently, we should all be eating more corn.
About my father?
Oh, yeah. I made that other bit up.
Did he have a message for me?
Yes. You are adopted.
What do you see?
What time is it now?
Clothing Store Clerk:
We missed it.
No, we didn’t. We didn’t miss it because… you don’t know this? I know something about history that you don’t know.
I’d be very excited to learn about it, Riley.
Hold on one second, let me just take in this moment. This is cool. Is this how you feel all the time? Well, except now.
All right! What I know is that daylight savings wasn’t established until World War I. If it’s 3 p.m. now that means that in 1776 it would be 2 p.m.
Riley, you’re a genius.
If you dress like Halloween, ghouls will try to get in your pants.
Privacy. Absolute myth. There’s no such thing.
[on his sexuality]
I’m a giver… not a receiver… I am NOT a FAGGOT
It’s a good scream. It’s a good scream.
You’re talking to a 72 year-old man with high cholesterol, eating a bacon and cheddar omelet with extra cheddar. Do I look like I’m afraid of death?